motivation.

That is something I have not been able to find lately. There is plenty I need to be doing, but I can't make myself feel up to it. I need to find a new job, clean up around here, do laundry, even play my game backlog and knit... Can't seem to care. Nothing seems interesting. I hate sleeping in until 3, but no matter how hard I try, I always wake up then, no matter how long I slept or how early I went to bed. Ugh. It's so fail.

I know why I do it, but it's not any better knowing why, obviously. I hope it gets better soon though. It likely won't without intervention, but I can't afford that right now, so... It's a giant catch-22. Sigh. I think I live in one constantly.

Anyway. At least I've been doing better about some self-care stuff thanks to a new app I got called Habit Streak. It basically tracks when you succeed at habits you want to form so you don't want to break the streak. My teeth are already thanking me, though I still need to go to the dentist. Oh well. Another of those when I have money things.

I need some friends around here. Sigh.

learning to be domestic.

I remember, Way Back When, a friend and I used to keep tabs on our domestic skills and cheer each other on whenever we learned a new one. mine were things like pancakes and making tab curtains. my list has since certainly grown longer, but I still have times like tonight where I feel frustratingly inept at running a home. usually when I try to cook. normally I'm a decent cook; I can follow a recipe, and my food usually comes out well. but I don't have any creativity in the kitchen it seems. menu planning is hard for me, and making a shopping list is hard for me, and staying within a food budget... and also when I try to improvise recipes, they always come out SO BAD.

Jacob, being the most incredibly amazing person ever and ridiculously supportive, is very good at making me feel better about this. he always tells me that whatever I'm making smells delicious and tastes wonderful, though at some point it just starts to feel a little suspicious when it's EVERY time, haha. but he is so incredibly sweet. no matter what, it seems like, he can pick my spirits up. it's nice. it's more than nice, but I can't even say what it is. I just know I love it, and I love him for it.

I think part of my ineptitude is just that I fail at decision making. I cannot prioritize (when should I start making this in relation to that so they'll both be ready?), I can't make decisions as small as 'what will we eat this week,' I can't even reliably decide what I want to eat any given day. the other part is inexperience, because while I've been on my own for quite a while, I've had a terrible reliance on prepackaged foods and making the same things from scratch over and over instead of branching out. there are other issues too, but suffice to say... I need to really step it up.

particularly since I'm getting married and will soon have to set up a house again! this time I get to set it up how I want it, for the most part - Jacob will have input of course, but omg, my own pots and pans, that I can put where I want and use how I want, and storage containers and matching dishes and squee! setting up a registry is a whole 'nother mess of decisions that are driving me nuts, but I'm loving it. I hope I at least get a few of the main things. I have some house stuff obviously, since I did have an apartment, but I want nice things that go together and will last me a while. granted I will totally be grateful for anything I get because I am not spoiled and I know better than to expect gifts. but just the thought that I MIGHT get awesome stuff is exciting enough for me :P

there's a lot of other stupid crap going on in my life right now, but nothing I really feel like talking about right now. hopefully most of it will get worked out in the next couple months. also, I would just like to say that in addition to being amazing at being supportive, I feel like I have such an easy time communicating with Jacob, which I hear is important :P I really can tell him anything though, and be honest about how I feel without worrying that he'll be upset or take something the wrong way. we argue, but we talk it out and smooth things over and compromise and... it's almost crazy how much easier this is than my LAST relationship with someone who fought me every step of the way. it's still hard work, just like any relationship, but it's totally worth it. I am totally confident I made the right choice to spend the rest of my life with this guy.

hokay. time to stop babbling and saying stupid crap that sounds sappy because my brain can't think of any other way to put it. hurr durr. also, now I want pancakes! dang it.