I've always sort of wanted to start vlogging. (ew. that word just sounds dumb every time I hear it.) I've always sort of wanted to start video blogging. and now that I have a laptop with a webcam built in (actually two laptops with webcams built in... I'm special!) it would be even easier. but I really have nothing to talk about that anyone actually cares about. (kind of like this blog. huh!)

I could do like a video podcast, and do short scripted-ish episodes discussing things, but I also don't have any interesting hobbies I know enough about to make a podcast on, especially not ones that don't already have a million podcasts about them like WoW, other video games, or knitting. I don't have any special skills to teach, I'm not good enough at Japanese to do a language learning series (although that's an interesting idea for when I do someday have those skills), and nobody wants to watch me sit around and whine about my personal problems while drinking beer. (it's not cute when the preteens do it, and they don't even drink.) so. basically I have a desire to do something I really can't. that sounds familiar.

I don't know why I'm so obsessed with being internet famous! I always have been, but I just can't seem to hack it. I want a viral video series too!

lol.

I am so very tired of wanting things I cannot have. why can't I just want reasonable, attainable things? life would be so much simpler.

or if I could just have, like, two of those things... that would be great.

yeah, so. things did not work out very well.

I'm holding out hope, but obviously it can only go so far. my heart feels like it has a giant hole in.

tomorrow, I am calling and making an appointment to start getting help. this has to end.

I want him to come back so bad... I hope if I try hard enough, he'll give me a second chance.

I'm worried. there is a potential situation that would be Very Bad that seems to be a big possibility at the moment and I am very very scared.

but more than that, at the moment I am super-hungry, but too lazy to make food. and besides, I feel a bit yucky, so I don't particularly want to eat at the moment anyway. despite the fact that I clearly need to. low blood sugar helps nothing. the only food that sounds appetizing in the least though is food that comes from a restaurant, and I am definitely not going to go out to eat tonight, mainly because I don't feel like driving and also because I don't need to spend money on that right now.

but UGH... I just want the end of the week to be here, now, please. also I'm so tired. bleh.

argh. I borked my WoW install and I'm quite annoyed about it. naturally, I broke it trying to fix something else that if I had just waited a day would have been fixed by the patch Blizzard put out yesterday. so the way I had tried to fix it actually kept me from getting the patch, which meant I couldn't play the game at all. sooo I decided to reinstall, but apparently I never deleted the cached installation files from the first time I downloaded it, so it reinstalled from those and for some reason refused to patch up. SO I went back and deleted those and am now redownloading and reinstalling completely. if that doesn't work, I'm honestly thinking about dumping everything important from my laptop onto my external hard drive (which seriously needs some organization, btw; that might be a holiday project) and wiping it. I've been wanting to split the drive more evenly between the two partitions anyway because my Windows partition is TINY and I'm forever running out of space on it. sigh.

I really don't feel very good. I seriously hope I'm not getting sick, because while Keni is a great guy, nurturing is totally not his thing and I'm pretty sure would have to take care of myself if I was sick. which is just no fun. and besides, I have to do school work and work work and I'm really relying on both and actually managing to do well so far this semester, so I can't afford a wrench in the gears right now. ugh. but my nose is all stuffed up, and naturally I can't get any Sudafed without jumping through a billion hoops, so I think I might be heading down the road of a sinus infection. PLEASE NO. I can't deal with that right now.

Keni did not win at the tournament yesterday :( he was pretty bummed about it. I bet it was because he didn't have his hat!

ugh. I always get so super-emotional like ONE WEEK EXACTLY before my period. it never fails, precisely seven days beforehand I will become this horrid emotional wreck. it's like someone just flips a switch in my brain, and suddenly, bam. it's a nice predictor when I remember what it is, but if I don't have the presence of mind to say hey, I'm crying over nothing, flying into rages, and becoming manically happy afterwards... must be PMSing, honestly it confuses the hell out of me. sometimes my boyfriend has to remind me, heh. I'm just glad he seems to put up with it. I'm normally somewhat volatile in my emotions - the depression will do that to ya - but catch me on the week before Shark Week and it's like ten times worse. heh.

also, food cravings liek whoa. nothing sounded edible today except Domino's. not the pizza, because their pizza sucks. but definitely the cheese bread, and a pasta. only somehow I managed to leave the sauce off the pasta (I wanted the three-cheese sauce, but forgot to click the bubble) so it wasn't as good as I had hoped it would be, and the cheese bread was a little overcooked. but it was still delicious. I got mushrooms with the pasta, and there was lots of cheese all over it, so it sort of made up for it. and the bread still tasted great, just had a bunch of burnt cheese at the edges I had to pull off. it was a good meal - way too greasy, my stomach is so pissed, lol - but it was good.

now the only thing that sounds good is Coke, though. good thing I have a fridge full of it. I'm so addicted to it now, it's weird. for a while, the only thing I ever wanted to drink was Mountain Dew. (mostly when I was still at MC.) then Vault, then Dr Pepper (though I've always liked that). now, I'm on a serious Coke binge. I just can't get enough. preferably out of cans, but I do have a small budget set aside for buying a bottle at school now and then on the days I'm stuck on campus between classes. it's strange though. for a while I didn't feel like drinking Coke (though I still would) because it didn't seem to have enough flavor. now I like it best again. weird. I'll still drink just about anything though, so long as it isn't grape or diet. I looove Baja Blast, it sucks that only Taco Bell has it, but I love Taco Bell anyway, so who cares :P

Keni is off at a StarCraft II tournament today. I hope he does well. the prizes for first through third place are really pretty good, decent percentages of the pool of registration money. he would be excited about that, plus he'd be happy just to feel good at the game like that. I knit him a hat with a Protoss patch on it, but he didn't get to come home in time to get it for the tournament. that upset me a little. actually after I called him to see if he was going to come get it, I cried a little. (see what I mean? overemotional.) but it's okay. two hours of work, which is just going to be rendered partially useless anyway because this hat is just a stand-in and I'm going to be taking the patch off and putting it on a different hat once the yarn comes in - sure, that's fine :P eh. I'll probably end up wearing the base hat myself, it's pretty cool. it's black with a blue stripe mixed in where the patch goes. I'll probably put some pictures up on the knitblog later. (yeah, just how long do I actually think I'm going to maintain two blogs, lol)

my allergies are bad today too. lame.

wow, poor neglected blog, I forgot all about you! I've been wanting to start blogging more 'publicly' than my LiveJournal again - haha. this seems like a good place.

not much going on in Anna-world lately. I have a good boyfriend, I'm doing much better in school lately, and I'm bringing in a decent amount of money with a job I don't hate. (I'm working online, from home, doing the whole ChaCha thing. it's a lot of fun, I basically get paid to Google stuff for people who are too lazy to do it themselves. also I make pretty decent money doing it, and the best part is, I don't have to go anywhere or interact with crappy managers or stupid customers anymore!! this job is totally perfect for me.) I'm in my third year of Japanese study, which I am still loving; I'm about to change my major to linguistics so I can get a degree in that and go on to study TESOL, hopefully in this program, and I'm actually feeling like I can partially speak the language now. I've finally figured out the best way for me to study kanji, so I'm really excited about the fact that I can read a lot of Japanese too. squee!

crap, I just noticed that there are like three dishes I missed while doing dishes last night. I wish Keni would put his crap back in the kitchen when he's done with it, he totally sucks at keeping things neat around the house. not like I'm that much better, but at least my dishes go back where they're supposed to. oh well.