I keep being nostalgic for Starkville. it doesn't make any sense to me. yeah, I had a few good years there. it was home, for all intents and purposes, and I knew where things were and had favorite places and people I saw all the time (whether or not they were actually 'friends') and... most of the time I was happy. to some degree I miss the relationship I had then, but that's water under a much, much higher, happier bridge now, so I don't think anything but the feeling of being happy then is what I'm missing.

I want to be happy where I am, and I have a lot of reasons to, but I feel like I'm still not 'home.' Jacob and I have been scouting out apartments and we're hoping to be in a new place by March, but I'm not sure even that will do it, though it will be SO nice to finally stop living in someone else's space, and maybe I'll finally feel like getting out of the house and find some cool places around the city. still, I have a noted lack of friends aside from Jacob, and I feel kind of out of touch with here. I've had a job for a whole year now, but I still feel like a newbie (despite three training classes having come in). I don't know how to fix this, really.

I keep having really weird dreams and stuff, and it just keeps popping up in my head, and it's bothering me. I feel guilty about it, because I feel like I shouldn't feel this way. I mean, my driver's license says Alabama. I'm filing taxes here this year, and I'm about to be married and living in an apartment here. this, now, is home. but somehow I don't feel like I belong here. I remember one time when I went to visit Keni I sat in the driveway for a while and just cried because Starkville felt so weird to me and I didn't see how it would ever feel like home. it didn't take me very long for that feeling to change and to feel like it really was. I wish I knew when Huntsville would start feeling like home, or how to speed that process up. I'm ready to stop missing somewhere I can't go back to.